I’ve noticed a disconnect lately: a disconnect between those talking about boys and those raising boys.

A whole lotta smart people are now talking about the problems facing boys & young men, but very few people are talking to or WITH the people raising boys.

The voices of moms of boys are all but absent from the conversation.

So many people are talking about what boys need, but almost no one is talking to the people who provide the bulk of care for boys.

No one is listening to boy moms describe the issues they (& their sons) encounter on a regular basis.

No is asking boy moms for their insights.

No one is asking boy moms what they need.

Meanwhile, a whole lot of people are pointing fingers at parents and saying do better! Without giving them the tools or support to do so.

(Yes, I’m alluding to the TV show Adolescence & the flurry of discussion that followed.)

Moms are on the frontline

I’m on a mission to support, include, and elevate moms of boys.

We cannot help boys if we do not support and empower their mothers.

Moms are on the frontline of the boys crisis. Dads are too, but they haven’t been erased from this conversation. People are increasingly recognizing the important role fathers play in boys’ lives and that’s fantastic!

Dads have also become some of the prominent voices in national and international discussions about boys’ needs. (See: Richard V. Reeves & Scott Galloway).

Moms’ voices have not garnered the same respect.

Where are the boy moms?

When Ruth Whippman published BoyMom, there was a burst of attention. Interviews. Headlines. Conversation.

And then the spotlight moved on. Centered on men and “thought leaders” again, while excluding the very women who put a whole lot of thought, care, worry, concern, and effort into raising boys.

I see you

If you’re raising a boy right now, you are doing important work amid a culture that expects everything of you while giving you far too little support.

You are not failing.

You are not part of the problem.

You are shaping the future! You are doing important on-the-ground work while the “experts” and legislators continue to debate and discuss exactly what boys need.

You are likely doing too much, with too little — and you probably frequently feel frustrated, alone, and overwhelmed.

I’m here to help. I see you. I support you.

I’m listening, and I will do my best to elevate your voices & concerns. Because together, we are far more powerful than any one of us is alone.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

IN THE NEWS

Mental Health Issues in Teen Boys: What to Look for & How to Help

Highlights:

• “Depression may not look like a down mood, but anger instead…Anxiety may not look like panic or worry, but procrastination or even obsession over tasks and perfectionism.”

• “Boys… ‘tend to receive punishment or corrective actions from systems rather than psychological intervention.’”

• “Even though boys tend to manifest symptoms in behavioral ways, they will let you in if they feel you’re a safe person and will not judge them”

What Boys Could Be (Not Just What They Shouldn’t)

Highlights:

• “Think about the messages boys and young men are absorbing right now… Everywhere they look, it’s lists of things that make them part of the problem.”

• “Boys today are getting more contradictory messages than ever. Andrew Tate and his followers tell them masculinity is dominance. Some teachers tell them masculinity is toxic. Their therapists tell them to be vulnerable. Their peers tell them vulnerability is weak.”

• “If you want to create change, you can’t build it only on shame and criticism.”

Braden Peters is the New Andrew Tate: What Every Parent Needs to Know About Teen Boys & “Mogging”

Highlights:

• “Welcome to the world of ‘mogging’, a term that originates from AMOG (Alpha Male of the Group)…[&] decrees boys are only worthy and one of the golden 20 per cent if they are mega attractive.”

• “A name that has started to come up in the discussions with boys about looks… is ‘Clavicular’ – real name, Braden Peters, a ‘looksmaxxing influencer’ with a huge and growing Gen A boy following.”

• “Influencers are no longer telling kids to work out, eat clean and apply makeup but treat their looks as a new kind of religion, where everything else – intelligence, kindness, bravery, values – simply can take a number in the pursuit of mogging or maxxing hotness.”

How Can I Help My Teenage Son Through Grief?

Highlights:

• “There is no right way to grieve, so be okay with allowing him to do so in his own way.”

• “When your teenage son is grieving, try not to let him fully isolate and be in his room alone…Even if he says he wants space, spend time together, or let him spend time with his people”

• “Just because your teenage son doesn’t want to talk about what has happened now doesn’t mean he won’t talk about it ever. Give him time to talk on his own terms.”

First: Welcome, new subscribers!

I am currently still in AZ & in the depths of elder care (if you wanna know more about that, go back to this newwletter), but many of you have joined us recently — some from Boys Alive! (my friend Janet Allison’s boy site) & some from Raising Men podcast, where I recently talked with host Shaun Dawson about raising boys in a world that misunderstands males:

I un-paused subscriptions today to allow you all to join us - & to share some news & resources about boys.

First, Michael Gurian and the Gurian Institute are hosting a What Boys Need as Males Conference: A Global Conversation on Raising Boys Into Men in the 21st Century this weekend, Jan. 23-26. It’s FREE and ONLINE; all you have to do is register & show up. I won’t personally be participting (see above: elder care), but I have worked with & spoken with many of the presenters, including the marvelous Maggie Dent (Australia’s “boy champion), Troy Kemp, Ola Akinwe, Warren Farrell, Paul Cumbo, Sean Kullman, Marion Hill, & more. This is a gathering of people who know & care about boys — people who have been working with boys & advocating for boys for years.

Secondly: Be sure to check out the news headlines & links below. (Don’t worry if you don’t have to time to click thru & read the articles — I pull out the highlights for you!) There are a lot of people doing a lot of good writing and research about boys (& issues affecting boys & their families, and you can trust me to bring it to you.

Finally: I’m seeing a lot of good movement toward addressing boys’ needs. Towards supporting boys and their families, and the beginning stages of significant actions that can help boys in school and in our communities. Yes, there is still a lot of work to be done. But we are finally talking about boys’ issues in national (& international!) conversations, & countries, states, and communities are finally taking some positive steps to help boys & men.

Will everything work? Probably not. Progress often comes in fits and starts, and mistakes and missteps are part of the process.

I’m encourage, though, by what I’m seeing, and hopeful that maybe, just maybe, we’ll one day look back at 2026 as the Year of the Boy — the year we made significant progress toward supporting our sons.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

IN THE NEWS

Why Would Boys Choose AI Over a Real Human?

Highlights:

• “AI doesn’t shame them. AI doesn’t roll its eyes. AI doesn’t correct their tone. AI doesn’t imply that their feelings are dangerous. That alone explains much of the appeal.”

• “If boys are choosing AI over people, that tells us something uncomfortable about the human environments we’ve created”

• “The question we should be asking is not:’How do we stop boys from using AI?’ But rather: ‘What have we done that makes human connection feel so risky?’”

Press Pause: What Gaming Teaches Us About Boys & Belonging

Highlights:

• “Boys who spend most of their free time gaming may miss other ways of learning cooperation, risk-taking, skill building, or calm; the kinds of lessons that come from unstructured play, group activities, or real-world problem solving.”

• “The takeaway isn’t to eliminate gaming, but to widen the landscape in which belonging can grow.”

Parents’ Anxiety Linked to Lower Grades in Children with ADHD

Highlights:

• “Anxious parents are more likely to have tense, less supportive interactions with their children. This made it harder for children to stay motivated, confident, and focused on schoolwork.”

• “High anxiety often led to inconsistent or overly controlling homework help. Instead of being supportive, homework time became stressful, frustrating, or chaotic.”

• “The negative effects of parental anxiety were strongest in younger children, boys, children with more severe ADHD symptoms, and children who also had anxiety of their own.”

The Dangers of America’s Nicotine Boom

Highlights:

• “Nicotine remains profoundly addictive—about as much so as cocaine and heroin.”

• “TikToks...make life on Zyn look like the secret handshake of ambition (the hashtag #zyn logged more than 400 million views in a single month in 2024).”

• “Nicotine dependence can develop in adolescents within weeks of first exposure—sometimes after only a few uses—and that teenage brains, still wiring their reward systems, are particularly susceptible.”

• “Among kids, use is small but climbing. In 2024, 1.8 percent of middle and high school students—roughly 480,000 of them—said they’d used nicotine pouches, up from 1.1 percent in 2022, a 64 percent jump in just two years. But those numbers come from sweeping national surveys that can’t yet capture what’s happening in smaller, faster-moving corners of the culture.”

The 1 Underrated Skills Parents Need to Start Teaching to Their Sons

Highlights:

• “When I found out I was having my first boy five years ago, I was elated and excited ... and then worried about anger.”

• “Psychologists have a saying that boys externalize and girls internalize. This means that boys are more likely to take their anger and distress and direct it outward, where it can become verbal or physical aggression.”

• “Consequences are needed when anger spills over into aggression, especially as boys get older”

In Defense of Wasting Time

Highlights:

• “The tyranny of efficient productivity should not dominate the lives of our boys.”

• “Boys should be allowed to spend time on tasks that serve no ulterior purpose, tasks that he will not use for any academic, athletic, artistic, or other strategic advancement.”

• “He should be given the time and space to spend time simply doing something he enjoys precisely because he enjoys it.”

Why We Need to Teach Boys About Positive Masculinity

Highlights:

• “School is a place where many boys feel unsafe. They are afraid they won’t live up to the rules of manhood—they won’t be cool enough, popular enough, or tough enough.”

• “The danger with assigning a single definition to masculinity is that it can set the expectation for how a person is supposed to be in order to be a man.”

• “Leave behind preconceived notions of the definitions of masculinity and what it means to be a man, and instead approach them with genuine curiosity.”
  

My mom is dying.

She’s 88 years old and has had cancer 3 times (breast cancer once; ovarian cancer twice). She’s 20+ years out from a Stage 4 ovarian cancer diagnosis, & that doesn’t happen, statistically-speaking. Now, her heart and kidneys are failing. That’s likely at least partly due to all of the cancer treatment that allowed her to live all these years — treatment that allowed her to finish raising her children, to attend the weddings of all her children (including my 2nd one), and to meet and get to know each of her grandchildren.

Her forthcoming death is not a surprise; if you read my most recent newsletter, you know I spent Christmas with her and Dad at the hospital in AZ. I’m heading back to AZ (with my youngest son) tomorrow. We called in hospice on Saturday, and this week we’ll move her from the nursing home she’s currently in, back to the house she and my dad have wintered in for years and years. The hospice nurse will visit 2 times a week; CNAs (certified nursing assistants), 3 times per week. In between, I’ll be taking care of her. And my Dad.

I’ll be be working while in AZ — albeit from their back patio or dining room — because this is 2026, I’m self-employed, and I can’t go without income for long. But my focus will be on my family & on the things I absolutely need to do, and I know that means that I probably won’t have much time or energy (if any) to give to this newsletter. It does not seem right for me to continue to accept subscriber money if I’m not sending out the content I’ve promised in return. So, I’ve currently paused subscription payments.

What pausing payments means for you

For most of you — nothing. The vast majority of you are not paid subscribers; I’ve done a pretty bad job of promoting subscriptions lately (& my numbers show it!) Free subscribers will continue to get a newsletter whenever I send a free newsletter.

If you are a paid subscriber, you will not be charged again until I “unpause” payments. If you paid upfront for a year-long subscription, your subscription duration will be extended however long this break lasts.

You may receive a newsletter (or newsletters) from me while payments are paused. You may not. I truly don’t know how the next few days and weeks will go. I know myself well enough to not make any promises any these conditions.

About combining work & caregiving

I wrote my first national parenting article — a piece about labor induction, for Parents magazine — by the light of a laptop computer in an Arizona hotel room, while my 3rd son (then, just a baby) slept in a pack-and-play crib. We’d gone down for Mom’s first big ovarian cancer surgery. My son turned one on that trip; he was also diagnosed with an ear infection on that same trip. Somehow, I wrote the damn article anyway.

22 years later, I’m a little smarter, savvier, and more established. I know that it’s okay to ask editors for grace. I know that pushing myself to (or past) exhaustion is a bad idea. And I know that I’ll need time and space to process everything that’s happening.

But I also know that paid work and caregiving can co-exist. They have for my entire adult life. One of the reasons I feel so confident going to AZ to help with hospice care is because I started my career as a CNA, caring for elderly folks in nursing homes and at home. I’ve been with people as they’ve died, both as a CNA and as an RN, and I’ve been with people as they’re born. I’ve been privileged to care for people at every stage of life — and that, my friends, has made me the person I am. I have learned from people at every stage of life. I am still learning and still growing.

I know the next weeks won’t be easy. Raising boys wasn’t easy either! But raising boys was so, so worth it, and I think this experience will be too.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

This is my favorite photo of Christmas 2025:

That’s my 4 “boys” — now, men ranging in age from 19-28 — gathered together on Christmas day. I wasn’t there because I spent Christmas in Arizona at a hospital with my mom and dad. My 88-year-old mom was admitted with heart issues; my 89-year-old dad (with diabetes & dementia) needed help.

When it became apparent that I wasn’t going to be home by Christmas, my boys decided two things:

1. To wait until I was home (whenever that might be) to exchange gifts with me and my husband. (Even though I wrapped all their gifts before I left and told them they could open them without me)

2. To get together on Christmas Day to open their “brother gifts” for one another, in part because no one knew when I’d return and one brother was going to have to leave shortly after Christmas to move to Minnesota for his new life & job. (He completed an MBA in December!)

My boys — the same ones who used to fight & bicker all the time, who drove one another (& myself) crazy — spontaneously organized a gathering. They met at the apartment of one brother, who cooked. They shared a meal. Spent time together. Exchanged gifts. Because it mattered to them. Because they care about each other (and me). They circled together and celebrated together — and showed me (& everyone else) that they "got this.” They can, will and DO handle life together. They roll with the proverbial punches and adapt to whatever’s going on. They help one another. They care for one another.

That’s the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

The “Masculinity Crisis” is Real. This Forgotten Book Explains Why.

Highlights:

• “Some research reveals that, at and before age 1, boys are more outwardly emotional than girls, but by age 2 they are less verbally expressive, and by 4 they are less facially expressive. By adolescence, the one emotion boys felt permitted to openly express was anger.”

Raising Boys in the Age of Social Media: Reflections After Watching Netflix’s Adolescence

(Note: You can see my reaction to Adolescence here.)

Highlights:

• “The boys in the [TV] series [Adolescence] are not reckless for the sake of being reckless. They are searching for belonging, for identity, for a sense that they matter.”

• “When boys do not yet have the words or skills to manage those feelings, they can shut down or act out. What looks like distance is often protection. What looks like indifference is often uncertainty.”

Vaccinating Boys Against HPV Could Eliminate Cervical Cancer

(You can read my Building Boys posts about HPV here & here.)

Highlights:

• “Both men and women are at risk from HPV-linked cancers, including anal, penile, vaginal, and head and neck cancers”

• “Yet in many nations around the world, far fewer young men are getting their jabs – a massive sex discrepancy that public health advisors want to fix.”

• “In the past 20 years, South Korea’s cases of HPV-related male cancer have tripled. If more boys get vaccinated, it could prevent future deaths from these cancers as well.”

Strengthening Belonging for Underserved Boys

Highlights:

• “Boys tend to express emotional distress through externalizing behaviors like aggression, substance use or risk-taking”

• “By fostering mentorship, emotional safety and community connection, we can help boys develop stronger senses of purpose and belonging”

• “Since half of all mental health conditions manifest by age 14 and 75% by age 24,it is critical that boys’ mental well-being, including feelings of belonging, are supported to prevent mental health challenges later in life.”

• “Loneliness is more than a feeling. It is a signal that boys need spaces where they are seen, heard, and supported without judgment.”

• “Boys want more peaceful environments, and they want to learn alternatives to anger as a default emotion.”

Are Video Games Changing How Boys Grow Up? Here’s What Experts Have to Say

Highlights:

• “When it comes to young boys in particular, studies have shown that video games may be a modern path to friendships”

• “Video games can be useful to the development of children, but only when accompanied by other off-screen activities.”

• “Many studies seem to show even violent video games don’t have lasting ill-effects on boys.”

Advocating for Males & Masculinity

Highlights:

• “The story of advocacy for men and boys in 2025 is best understood not as an isolated surge, but as the culmination of several years of intellectual groundwork, grassroots persistence, and institutional awakening.”

• “Across the United States in 2025, Governors from both Democratic and Republican parties, and from both men and women leaders, played a quietly transformative role in advancing concern for men and boys”

• “Governors helped normalise the idea that caring about men and boys is simply good governance.”

• “Supporting men and boys isn’t a partisan cause…but a constructive investment in healthier families, safer communities, and a more balanced and humane society.”

‘Tis the season for resolutions & predictions, right?

I’m going to make a bold one: Shaming and forcefully “educating” boys is not going to have the impact the UK government seems to think it will.

According to multiple news reports, the country is embarking on a quest to decrease violence against women & girls by increasing surveillance of boys.

• From the BBC:

  • “Teachers will be given training to spot and tackle misogyny in the classroom”

  • “…schools will send high-risk students to get extra care and support, including behavioural courses to tackle their prejudice against women and girls.”

  • “The government hopes that by tackling the early roots of misogyny, it will prevent young men from becoming violent abusers.”

• From the Guardian:

  • “Children as young as 11 who demonstrate misogynistic behaviour will be taught the difference between pornography and real relationships”

Do NOT replicate this approach at home! (I’ll explain why in just a bit.)

Before You Think I’m Excusing Bad Behavior…

For clarity’s sake:

• I believe all students (and educators) should be safe at school (and elsewhere).

• I’m anti-violence.

• I believe that adults have a duty to act when children’s behavior (or other adults’ behavior) is inappropriate

• I believe sexism & prejudice are wrong.

• I believe all kids today should be taught the difference between porn & real relationship.

I also 100% believe that we adults have a tremendous responsibility to help our boys become good men. We all have a role to play in helping our children become decent humans.

But this ain’t the right way.

The Problem With a Surveillance-and-Shame Model

The approach outlined by the UK government is (another bold prediction!) likely to harm boys, girls, and educators. Here’s why:

• Research and experience has shown time & time again that connection, love, compassion, & understanding are the only things that change people for the better.

• Most educators are already biased against boys. It’s not intentional, but multiple research studies, across multiple countries, have shown that teachers tend to attribute negative explanations to boys’ behavior & punish boys more harshly.

• Shaming and disciplining boys for behavior without attempting to understand their perspective creates division and animosity between boys & teachers (or other adults).

• You can’t effectively teach anything to something who doesn’t want to learn. That’s true for any subject — and especially true for kids who are forced into education sessions because an adult thinks they a likely source of harm.

• When kids believe (rightly or wrongly) that they are being targeted, they go underground. Pull away from in-class discussions or relationships with teachers and instead look for places where they feel welcome, as they are. I personally believe that this initiative has the potential to drive boys deeper into the online world - & into unhealthy relationships (& activities) offline.

A Better Way

So many organizations and individuals have already found much better ways to connect with & direct boys! NextGenMen, Build Up Boys, Ashanti Branch’s Ever Forward Club, & Michael Reichert’s boys’ groups all offer boys’ real support and understanding.

Each of these groups begins with the boy — each welcomes boys, setting aside any and all preconceived notions. Each gives boys space to ask questions, without punishment. Each encourages curiosity, and allows boys to discover and grow. Each encourages connection and models compassion. Each is also grounded in solid developmental understanding of boys.

Follow their example.

What This Looks Like at Home

• Don’t lecture your son when he spouts off a misogynistic (or misogynistic-seeming) comment; get curious instead.

• Learn more about him & his world before trying to change him (or his mind). Model respectful communication & healthy relationships.

• Increase your understanding of male development. Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in World That Misunderstands Males is a great primer - & offers all kinds of tips for how to engage with your boys as he is.

• Get to know your son — & help him get to know himself. Facilitate his development, dreams, passions, and goals, while also continuing your personal development and the development of others around you.

• Include him in care. Give him real-world responsibilities, including the opportunity to care for others (younger siblings, neighbors, family elders, etc.).

This person-centered approach is much more likely to bring (& your son) success (& happiness) than the UK’s problem-centered approach.

I promise.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S. Happy holidays! Whatever holiday you and your family celebrate this time of year, I wish you joy and peace. May we all remember that light always follows storms, and may we all kindle our own light and nurture the lights of others.

Building Boys Bulletin will be back in your inbox in 2026.

IN THE NEWS

Needed: Conversation About Boys & Men

Highlights:

• “Among those struggling most are boys and young men, trying to figure out where they fit and how to express masculinity in a healthy way without cultural condemnation.”

• “Boys need men in their lives as helpful, healthy and tough-love role models.”

• “Boys who are not successfully socialized are often loose cannons. Or worse.”

Fostering Gratitude During the Holiday Season

Highlights:

• “Gratitude grows when boys feel useful and respected, not when they feel evaluated.”

• “Boys pay close attention to how adults talk about stress, abundance, and disappointment. When parents and caregivers name what they appreciate out loud, especially in ordinary moments, boys absorb the message that gratitude is a practice, not a personality trait.”