Remembering

I want her to remember me

I want her to know I kissed her forehead every night and said goodnight I love you, even if she was already asleep

I want her to remember the stories we read together

I want her to remember the dancing, the playgrounds, the trampolines, theme parks and everything in between

I want her to remember snuggling in bed watching TV

I want her to remember I was there at her parents evenings, gymnastics and supporting her in anything she wanted to try

I want her to know how proud I am of her and for her to remember me telling her

I want her to remember us laughing, not just sick mummy whose always at the hospital or in bed

I want us to make memories so special they find their way to the permanent memory files

I want her to remember walks together

I want her to remember our love of nature, collecting twigs, leaves, shells, conkers, acorns and so many other treasures

I want her to remember our love of animals, Magic, Poppy, Dougal and the ponies

I want her to remember our love of the creepy crawlies, the worms, the nymphs we caught in the brook

I want her to remember our conversations of dreams and the future

I want her to remember the songs we sung, changing her nappy at 2 weeks old singing You Are My Sunshine with tears of love welling, like I'd never felt until she was in my life

Songs from baby group, Say hello to the sun

Songs we sing together, "I love you always forever" "You're going to hear be roar" "Baby your a firework" "I'll be riding shotgun underneath the hot sun" "We don't talk about Bruno" and so many more, the list grows quickly.

I want her to know I tried, I tried so hard for as long as I could for her

I want her to remember how much I love her. How much I so desperately wish she wouldn't have to face what is to come and that if I could take all the pain away and stay by her side until shes grown and more I would. To know how I'm trying to ensure she has people around her who love her too and will be by her side when needed.

To know I did not and would never choose this and my greatest hope is she can survive the grief, the turmoil and be who she needs to be and find happiness in whatever form that works for her. It doesn't matter what job she does, what she wears and looks like, who she has relationships with and what her hobbies are, none of that matters as long as she is happy - that's what matters most.