I Hired an Etsy Witch
The past few years for me have not been great. A global health crisis, turning 40, my grandmother dying, losing job after job due to layoffs, economic instability...the first half of the 2020s has been wearing me down to a nub.
It hasn’t been all bad, though. I’ve branched out some in my career by taking on voice acting, I’ve grown closer to some friends, I’ve recommitted to a consistent writing practice (online and offline), I started making crossword puzzles, and I’ve found pockets of online community.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have...this, I guess. With all of the ups and downs, I’m steel here.
When I did my YearCompass back in December, the word I chose to symbolize and define the year ahead was resurgence. I want to find my way to, or find my way back to, a space where I can flourish and thrive. I’ve been in survival mode for too fucking long and I’m ready to step into a future of abundance and freedom.
So I spent $10 and hired a witch from Etsy to help me get my groove back. Or at the very least, get me cosmically unstuck so I can move forward instead of being constantly in neutral (and sometimes in reverse).
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know I can be a pretty woo-woo kinda guy. Like, I believe in science and logic and reasoning and Math, but I also trust my intuition, use tarot cards, read my horoscope, and follow the planets’ transits. I’ll admit that when I heard that supposedly a cabal of Etsy witches might’ve resulted in a certain conservative gadfly becoming a human Pez dispenser...I was intrigued. Look, I’ve been out here hustling my ass off to pull myself out of this current quicksand pit of bad luck, okay? I was ready to lean into the Universe to throw me a damn lifeline. I’ve been doing the work, so now it’s time to have a little faith.
Finding an Etsy witch was pretty simple, even with claims that the platform is steadily removing them from offering their services. Within a few clicks, I found a highly rated Etsy witch with great reviews that offered a number of different spells for all kinds of areas. I ordered two spells: one for career and one for money. (I should also note that all their spells were heavily discounted, so I snagged both for less than $10.)
For both spells, I had to send my name and birthdate (and optionally, a face photo), and within 24 hours they would “work on my energy” and provide me an update. Right after placing the order, they sent me a message thanking me for the order.
The next day, I received this message, which I am editing slightly because I have a feeling the Etsy witches probably have really good SEO:
Greetings and salutations, Karsh.
Your order has been completed and the spells have been cast. While working, I felt a shift in your energy around someone who has entered your life. This person carries heavy, unsettled energy that could block your blessings.
For your protection, I recommend adding my cleansing and protection spell to your energy work: [LINK TO A $50 SPELL]
This removes the negative energy absorbed from this person and casts a layer of protection around your aura.
Please reflect on any new people around you. You likely sense who this person is. Even with my protection, it’s best to keep distance from people with such draining and unsettled energy.
I truly recommend that you move forward with this additional spell. It will safeguard you from further disruptions.
Wishing you peace, clarity, and protection,
Etsy Witch
Now look.
I’ve had my own business, I’ve worked adjacent with sales folks, and I’ve worked in the tech industry. This Etsy witch was trying to upsell me! (Maybe that’s why the spells were so cheap.) They also included two dim photos of lit candles, which I guess is proof of their spellwork. Or at the very least, proof of their bad photography skills.
I told the Etsy witch I couldn't afford the additional spell, and that was the end of our communication.
It’s been about a week and a half now, and I can’t really say that it’s working...yet. I did get paid from some VO work I did last month, so that was a nice little windfall. I am interviewing with a company and I’ve put some feelers out for potential contract work starting this month. And I even signed up for a VO class with a local coach, and I’m going to have a commercial demo at the end of it! It’s not winning the lottery, but it’s something.
I know there wasn’t exactly a time given for how soon the magic would start doing its thing. And since I didn’t buy the protection spell, maybe that’s why. I mean...I doubt it. At the worst, I just paid someone $10 and gave them info to commit identity theft against me (good luck though!). And at the most, maybe the magic is working but I’m blocked because I didn’t shell out more cash for the $50 protection spell.
As I’m writing this, I realize how dumb it sounds, but people are putting their faith in all sorts of intangible methods to get through life right now. I mean, is giving $10 to an Etsy witch any worse than giving $10 to a pastor, hoping for the same outcome? I don’t think so.
Anyway, it was an interesting experience, and I didn’t go broke trying it out, so I’ll consider that a draw in terms of effectiveness. I’m still going to keep this in the back of my mind as I continue grinding. And who knows? Maybe the upswings I mentioned earlier that have happened are just the beginning of something greater. Only time will tell.
