I won’t have to tell you this is Colby, but this is. And it’s time we Statesers get ahead of something. For a change.
Honestly, the second dreadful thought I had when Trump won last fall was, “it’s going to be insufferable when 2026 rolls around and these are the fucking idiots in charge of how we celebrate the 250th anniversary of the American Revolution.”
I did not expect the assault on history to begin so soon.
Last weekend, we moseyed over to the Old Stone House here in Brooklyn. It was the commemoration of the 249th Anniversary of the Battle of Brooklyn. For those unfamiliar (or who took 4 years of Texas history in school) the Battle of Brooklyn is really the Alamo moment of the Revolution. Four hundred Marylanders strategically retreated and slowed the advance of the British Army so that Washington could escape. Lest the Revolution would have been lost on the spot.
Two hundred and fifty six of the 400 were killed that day. Most of the rest died in the prison ships in Brooklyn Harbor. More Revolutionary troops died in those prison ships than the rest of the fighting combined, and New York City remained under British control until the end of the war. But Washington lived to fight another day. Which, as a docent said last weekend, made it a strategic victory. (trying to wrap my head around that)
So at this ceremony, I notice an all too familiar sight: a guy in an Arsenal shirt.
“Uhhh … my guy. This Arsenal on your shirt. This Royal Arsenal. This collection of weapons and military equipment stored by a country, person, or group. This collection of weapons and military equipment stored for the Royal British Army. What do you think it was doing in 1776?”
Was a text I sent a friend.
And then I noticed the gunner had moved and was standing directly on my left side. Shoulder to shoulder. I’m probably lucky he had already demonstrated he has no situational awareness. No one really wants to get into a scrape at an American Revolution commemoration.
Also, to clear some things up: I am not saying you can’t support Arsenal or City or any team that calls to you. Go for it. But just think a little. Like if there was a Brooklyn Society of Italian Football hosting a Heysel Stadium disaster, I probably wouldn’t wear a Liverpool shirt to it. I understand that while I might not be seen as the enemy, per se, I might be seen as not understanding the history.
Also, yes. Arsenal did have a match that day. In fact, it had kicked off 30 minutes before this dude strolled up to me in an Arsenal shirt at an American Revolution commemoration.
You wouldn’t wear blue to a Bloods rally. You shouldn’t wear an Arsenal shirt to A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. related to the American Revolution.
So, as a joint endeavor with our friends at Caught Offside, we’re starting a don’t wear your Arsenal gear to American Revolution commemorations awareness drive. Which does need some branding help cause it rolls off the tongue worse than Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For the Cure.
Cmon.
Speaking of jamming a lot in, going backwards, today we are Tampa and 5 minutes from walking out for the Zoo. We’re here to celebrate my daughter’s 4th birthday with inlaws. This kid … man … more on that over the next 20 years or so.
Thursday. Yesterday, we flew down here.
Wednesday was the NYC Baseball Equinox. 1:05 PM. Nationals at Yankees. Featuring the bottom of the third when the Nationals pitchers set a Pitch Track Era record with 77 pitches in half an inning. Post game watching Man U lose in PKs to … Dunder Mifflin, I think it was. 7:05 PM. Phillies at Mets. Watch Nolan McLean become the first Mets pitcher ever to win his first 3 starts. Start getting compared to Randy Johnson and shit.
Tuesday. Wife went to the US Open which gave me all the solo parenting and carefully negotiating my way around all the near meltdowns in public into the ice cream store and onto hours of meltdowns in private. Joys.
Monday. Newcastle 2 - LFC 2 3 That Liverpool finish. Where I turned to my wife in the backyard of the Monro at the 106th minute and said, “I’m going to the bathroom now, and when we score, I’m just going to stay in there for luck.”
I swear that’s true.
How about that finish, Zan? I believe I can quote you as saying, “LFGGTG LFGGG.”
ZR: There is nothing more frustrating than someone who lacks situational awareness, and by frustrating, I mean you want to give them a good, old-fashioned knuckle sandwich. It's one of those universal annoyances that, if you're lucky, can bring two people closer together, like a shared experience of watching a friend fail miserably at trying to parallel park a car.
I have been a devoted Liverpool supporter for about 25 years. I will never forget the pure joy I felt when my aunt in London sent me my first football kit in 2002. It was the first one I had ever owned, and I wanted to wear it everywhere. As luck would have it, Eid was approaching. It's a holiday in the Muslim calendar where everyone goes to the Mosque, regardless of their level of religiousness. With no second thoughts, I decided to wear my brand-new Liverpool kit to the morning prayers. It was my fanciest, shiniest, newest top, and I wanted the whole world to see how cool I was.
Looking back, wearing a shirt with a giant CARLSBERG logo to a place of worship where drinking alcohol is forbidden probably wasn't the brightest idea. God must have been having a good laugh at this confused boy wearing a beer shirt to Eid prayers. There was probably even an adult version of me in the mix that day, wondering who let that kid wear a beer shirt to the mosque. You live and you learn, I suppose.
Speaking of wearing embarrassing clothes, I was at a coffee shop this week and spotted a guy wearing a Manchester United track top. I couldn't resist going up to him and asking, "How are you wearing that out in public today?" with a laugh. It's always a treat to see football kits out in the wild in Toronto. These days, they've become more of a fashion statement, but you can usually tell when someone is a true supporter or just wearing it for style. This guy simply laughed, bowed his head, and said, "I am embarrassed, but I still have to support my club." I respected that wholeheartedly. If someone is still a Manchester United supporter in 2025, you know they're loyal to their core.
As Liverpool supporters, what an absolute delight it has been to witness their fall from grace over the past decade. It's starting to reach Fernando-Torres-on-Chelsea territory, where I'm almost starting to feel bad for them, though. They recently lost to fourth-division side Grimsby in the Carabao Cup, which, according to thisReddit post, was the most lopsided loss in English history. They've really spiraled since Sir Alex Ferguson left the helm, and it doesn't look like things will turn around anytime soon.
That's why I will be glued to the screen for the potential six-point relegation battle between Manchester United and Burnley this weekend. If United doesn't get a result, I really don't know where they go from here, especially since they just hired Rubin Amorim less than a year ago. Do they bring back Jose Mourinho now that he's unemployed? Or maybe Ole Gunnar Solskjær? (I spelled that right on the first try, somehow.) Only time will tell, but I will certainly be rooting for the Clarets on Saturday.
As for Liverpool, what a result on Monday night. They played horribly and still managed to get a winner in the dying moments from a 16-year-old kid. How can you not be romantic about football? In all the excitement, I texted Colby, "LFGGTG LFGGG," which I'm pretty sure had a random 'T' that snuck its way in there. At the 98th minute, I was about to give up and go to the bathroom but thank goodness I didn't.
The goal from Rio was brilliant, and every single Liverpool player touched the ball in the buildup except for Dominik Szoboslai, and I think his lack of a touch was the most brilliant part of the play. Szobo has been amazing to watch, and it's little moments like the layoff in the 100th minute that make me wish he stays a Red forever.
They'll head to the Emirates this weekend for a huge early-season test against Arsenal. It will be fun to see how the top two teams in the league battle it out, which will nicely parallel the Blue Jays-Brewers series for me. I feel like both teams will play conservatively this early in the season, and we'll end up with a 2-2 draw. Let's just hope Arsenal doesn't pull off the victory because their fans will be absolutely insufferable if they do. Are Liverpool fans that insufferable as well? Are all fans insufferable at a certain point?
Shower Thought: How many teams are actually called "United" in England? We have Manchester, Leeds, and Newcastle in the Premier League alone. How many more can you name? The only other one that comes to mind right now is Sheffield United, bringing us to four.
Colby:
To this week’s action:
Saturday, August 30, 2025
7:30 AM.
Chelsea vs Fulham USA Network, Universo
10:00 AM
Manchester United vs Burnley (Peacock) Is this a 6 point relegation match?
Tottenham Hotspur vs Bournemouth (Peacock) You know … there’s probably more -ham in the English football pyramid than there are Uniteds.
Sunderland vs Brentford (USA Network, Peacock, Universo) This has to be the biggest match up in Sunderland Brentford history.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Everton (Peacock) Wolves forever. (this weekend)
12:30 PM
Leeds United vs Newcastle United (NBC, Universo) So much United. So much bad football.
Sunday, August 31, 2025
9:00 AM
Brighton vs Manchester City (Peacock) Hemingway talked about staring into the face of the white bull when he had an empty page and he couldn’t figure out how to fill it. I realized I have nothing to say about this match.
Nottingham Forest vs West Ham United (USA Network, Telemundo) It’s going to be a damned shame if Forest falls apart because Nuno can’t keep biting his tongue about his absolutely nutso owner.
11:30 AM
Liverpool vs Arsenal (USA Network, Telemundo) I hold no hope we’ll start out with 9 points of the first three matches.
12:00 PM
Inlaws decided to have the kid’s birthday party now so I can watch Texas-Ohio State on Saturday. Them telling me this was how I learned Texas will be playing Ohio State on Saturday. Thanks. I guess. A reminder for us all to always ask people what help they want before you help them. I might have to fake leprosy or something so I can hole up in the bedroom and watch this.
2:00 PM
Aston Villa vs Crystal Palace (USA Network) Don’t these seem like magical places? A villa … a palace made of crystal.
And now. With the magic of Dad Jokes, Fantasy Football and AI, I bring you …
Take care of yourself and each other.