Teaching in San Ramón: Final Reflection

~ kegarland ~ 45 Comments

Today’s task was my least favorite. We had to teach a lesson using English only and we had to use a song. Read my views on English-only methods here.

To maintain the self-love (and Latin artist) theme, I decided to use Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful. The program’s premise is that you teach the vocabulary, summarize the song, and ask varying levels of questions in English, then play the song 😮‍💨

I knew before I did the lesson that I wasn’t going to teach only in English not only because of my views, but also because of personal experience. Have you ever been spoken to in another language, while being asked comprehension questions or to do a task? No? Remind me to tell you about the first time my husband and I went to Walmart in Costa Rica. It was intimidating. So, just like the day before, I incorporated some Spanish.

WHAT WENT WELL

Emiliano told my TESOL instructor that he wanted to buy a little notebook, so he could write down and study his English words. That’s how I measure success. It doesn’t matter if I think a lesson went well. What matters is what the students say. Emiliano’s words proved the lesson went well. Anything else I add is literally my perception.

Additionally, I kept the closed caption on as Beautiful played because I wanted them to recognize the vocabulary words they’d just learned. It worked. Emiliano whispered the word insegura when insecure flashed on the screen. I pointed out the phrases I am beautiful; you are beautiful; we are beautiful.

WHAT WAS A CHALLENGE?

¡Ay Dios mio! It is still a challenge to understand these children when they speak. I really do attribute this to my brain having to process so much at one time. Plus, it’s only been three days working with them. However, I am not ashamed to say, “Mas despacio, por favor.” And the kids simply speak slower, so I can understand them, because it’s not that I don’t know the words, it’s just they all run together sometimes.

FINAL THOUGHTS

No matter how much you think you know, you can always learn more.

That’s what this Curriculum/Ethnography Project showed me. If I would have arrived at the daycare center as if I was better than the students, simply because I speak a language others value, have three education degrees, and a bunch of experience, then that would have been dismissive. Instead, I arrived every day as a person who is a guest in this country and at the daycare center. And although I have an extensive background, I’ve never done this before, so I am a learner.

Then, I did these three things.

Developed a relationship at the beginning. Once I decided to base my Curriculum and Ethnography Project at the same place, I knew the first step was to quickly establish a relationship with the students. That’s why I began with a questionnaire of personal questions. Creating individualized flashcards was another way to show the students I cared about who they were and what they wanted to learn, instead of forcing some pre-conceived curriculum on them of what they should learn.

Entered as a language learner. Spanish is my second language, just like English will be these students’. That means I have a level of empathy for them that I can and will always lead with. Sometimes, I was just as uncomfortable as they were to say the wrong word or have the wrong accent, especially because I’m the “teacher.” But I kept trying, which is what I wanted to model for them. For example, whenever Mariana, was hesitant to speak, I told her she could do it, and guess what? She did.

Use culturally relevant materials. I’m 100% sure these students listened to me more because I researched and used artists who were from or connected to Latin America. When Valentina recognized Frida Kahlo, she perked up a little bit and wanted to know what the story was about. When Emiliano realized the photo was Selena, he had much to say. The students knew who Christina Aguilera was but hadn’t heard the song, Beautiful. Cultural relevance in education is not a new theory; however, it is an underused one, especially in the States, and especially because it is now associated with DEI. I’m glad I was able to use it a non-restrictive or prescriptive way with these children.

Okay. That’s it for the reflection on my practicum during my three-week TESOL course.

The next time you hear from me, I will be in Tamarindo at my actual placement at a school called Educarte. More about that later!

Until then, ¡Ciao! (because I also learned that for some reason, they say, “Ciao” here…probably tied to colonialism. I’ll figure that out later)

Teaching in San Ramón Reflection: Day 3

~ kegarland ~ 23 Comments

“I love you teacher,” Valentina said at the end of today’s lesson. That’s how I knew I’d done something right. The lesson was an alternate assignment that required me to use Canva to create a book and Ai to produce Pixar-style photos (apologies to the earth for taking the water we needed for today’s shower).

My unit was about self-love, so I stuck with a similar theme for the book I wrote, which was about a little girl named, Camila, whose teacher had asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m big on culturally relevant lessons, so the character thought about her favorite artists: Selena, a Mexican American singer, Frida Kahlo, a Mexican painter, and Isabel Allende, a Chilean American writer.

WHAT WENT WELL

Before I taught the lesson, I did what this program calls a warmer. For the Language Club, I had a separate warmer that was connected to what we’d done the previous day. We began with the personalized handmade flashcards I’d made that derived from answers for Q10. For example, Emiliano wanted to know how to say, Ya me quiero ir, which apparently is a popular meme, so I wrote the phrase in Spanish on one side and on the other side, I wrote the translation in English: I already want to go. I practiced with each student, then we began our lesson.

A Brief History Lesson About Language and Education in the United States

In the States, most English as a second language (ESL) classes in public schools are English-only. Meaning, you are not supposed to use the student’s heritage language. You’re supposed to use English only. From an immersion perspective, I get it; however, I don’t think public-school leadership is savvy enough to be thinking about immersion. I believe these practices date back to Native American boarding schools, where they forced Indigenous people to speak English to assimilate. The consequence, though, was that it murdered their culture. Eventually, many of those students lost their first language and, drumroll please, they ended up only speaking English. Sometimes, this created a disconnect between their selves, their families, and their culture.

BACK TO WHAT WENT WELL

My point is, if you’re intentionally trying to make people lose touch with their culture, then sure, English-only is the way. Otherwise, students should be able to use their home language and the target language, which will result in what is called bilingual education.

Here is how I taught my lesson about Camila:

  • I asked a student to read the page in English.
  • I corrected their pronunciation of specific words.
  • Then, I asked a different student to read it in Spanish (because Mariana couldn’t read English).

We continued like this for all 11 pages.

Then, I switched it up:

  • I read each page in English, so they could hear a native speaker’s accent.
  • Then, two students alternated translating it to Spanish for Mariana.

Two things happened. First, Valentina was excited that she recognized Frida Kahlo, and Emiliano was excited that he knew (and liked) Selena. Second, at the end, the students were eager to tell me what they wanted to be when they grew up: Emiliano said he wanted to be a truck driver or an Uber driver, and Valentina wanted to act hers out, because she wants to be…an actress. Mariana was too shy to share.

WHAT WAS A CHALLENGE?

Ya know…I have had more fluent conversational Spanish with my Didi (CR’s Uber) drivers than I have with these ten-year-old children. I’ve been trying to determine why that could be. I mean, shouldn’t talking to a ten-year old be easier than to an adult? Well, not necessarily. That’s a flawed thought. Just because they’re ten doesn’t mean they’re not fluent in their own language.

I’ve decided it’s because my brain is working overtime. I’m thinking in English, translating to Spanish (sometimes), so the students can understand me, then reading in English and Spanish, and listening to Spanish and trying to make out as many words as I can. And teaching. I’m teaching.

¡Es demasiado! It’s too much, y’all!

But what’s cool is now I have a deep understanding of how a multilingual learner might feel, especially if they’re in an English-only setting. It’s probably frustrating, discouraging, and overwhelming.

Teaching in San Ramón Reflection: Day 2

~ kegarland ~ 25 Comments

On Day 2, I spotted Valentina and Mariana. The third girl was absent. However, Valentina was speaking to a boy named, Emiliano when I arrived (all names are pseudonyms). He spoke to me in English, so I decided we wouldn’t have an all-girl group.

The first step was for them to complete the questionnaire I’d created in English as best they could:

  1. Name
  2. Age
  3. Grade
  4. Do you have any pets?
  5. What is your favorite subject?
  6. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
  7. What do you like to do in your free time?
  8. What do you like about going to this daycare center?
  9. What don’t you like about going to this daycare center?
  10. What words or sentences do you want to learn in English?

WHAT WENT WELL?

All three students knew exactly what the first three questions were asking, and they completed these parts with ease. Because Emiliano spoke some English, he was able to help the other two girls understand the questions. So, he would confirm (in Spanish) with me that he was reading the question correctly, then translate to the other two, then answer in English, like this:

Emiliano: #7: Que le gusta hacer in tu tiempo libre?

Kg: Si. Repite, por favor (I asked him to repeat the phrase for me to learn).

Emiliano: Que le gusta hacer in tu tiempo libre?

Kg: Si…in tu tiempo libre.

Language exchange achieved. I learned how to say, “free time,” and Emiliano’s level of English was affirmed. I also helped Mariana with a few questions by asking her the questions in Spanish.

WHAT WAS A CHALLENGE?

Students were confused with questions eight and nine.

“Te gusta o no te gusta,” they asked, which means you like or you don’t like?

I clarified I was asking both.

The last question was also confusing for them, and it took me a looooong time to get them to answer. First, they said “todo,” which means all. So, I explained that I couldn’t teach them all the English words. It also took a minute to convey that I wanted them to write the English words they wanted to learn en Español.

Overall, I felt much better about this teaching day than when I began. The next day, I planned to make individualized flashcards with the words they requested for Q10.

Teaching in San Ramón Reflection: Day 1

Teaching in San Ramón Reflection: Day 1

~ kegarland ~ 52 Comments

I’m not here to save anyone.

That’s all I keep thinking while doing my practicum in San Ramón, Costa Rica. My TESOL instructor and I talked about how many people enter this program with the idea that they will save the “poor Costa Rican children, like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.”

But that’s not me. I’m not here to save anyone.

I’m here to do as my ancestors urged me to do: to use my gifts and talents to be of service to others. In this case, that means using the three degrees I have in education, as well as the decades of experience I’ve accumulated since I was twenty-three-years old, to somehow serve the people of Costa Rica. I’m serving, not saving.

Now, that doesn’t mean it was easy. At first, it wasn’t inherently clear how this would manifest. However, after struggling through a speaking lesson to a group of four-to-twelve-year-old children, the how came into focus.

DAY 1: THE SPEAKING LESSON

Our first day consisted of being thrown into the fire of a daycare center, where we taught fifteen primary students, ages four-to-twelve. I taught high school students for ten years for a reason. Wrangling fifteen Spanish-speaking little people showed me why that was the best career decision ever.

But there was no turning back. I was already committed.

For the first part of the lesson, I asked students to draw themselves, with specific body parts. After, a few students presented. During the presentation, a student stood up and pretended he’d done the assignment. He spoke solely in Spanish, and I was 1000% positive that what he drew and what he said was not good because of the sly grin he possessed while talking and the laughter that ensued from the other boys in the class. A class clown is obvious, no matter the country. Later, I found out he drew the Freddy Krueger mask.

Post-teaching, my TESOL instructor explained the daycare center situation. Her story ended with, “We have to help the daycare!”

Great, I thought.

But then I remembered, I am here to use my gifts and talents to serve others. If I always ask myself, how can I be of service?then answer will appear.

SO, HOW COULD I BE OF SERVICE?

As many of you know, I have a PhD in Curriculum and Instruction (with a focus on media literacy). That means, I know how to create a curriculum for virtually anyone, not with Chat GPT, but with my own little brain. All I need are the following: (1) the age of the students, (2) the subject, and (3) any perceived problems.

Also, for this TESOL course, we were required to complete a Curriculum Project, where we created six lessons that are thematically tied together and an Ethnography Project, where we immerse ourselves in the community.

The weekend I went to Escazú, I came up with an idea to combine both. My Curriculum Project would include lessons for the daycare center, and my Ethnography Project would be to focus on three specific students, as well as reflect on my practice. I wanted to include three girls and create girls’ empowerment lessons. Initially, I was going to call this an English Club, but I remembered, I’m not here to save anyone. In fact, they probably can teach me some Spanish. We can teach each other, and it will be a language exchange; therefore, it is a Language Club!

Monday Notes: Life in a Hostel in San Ramón, Costa Rica

~ kegarland ~ 55 Comments

For the past two weeks, I have been living in a hostel in a small Costa Rican city called San Ramón. As a person who was raised as an only child in a major city and as a person who is a member of several hotel reward programs and as a person who is a lover of thick, fluffy towels and the occasional room service, this experience has been a bit of a culture shock, to say the least.

Here are a few things to which I’ve had to quickly adjust:

LIVING with other PEOPLE

As most of you know, my family consists of four people: my husband, my two daughters, and me. That’s who I’m used to living around or vacationing with. And even though we’re different, we’re alike in that we enjoy each other’s company, but we know when to give each other space. However, at this hostel, I have been living with eight-to-12 personalities. Some sleep in bunk beds and share a room. Others, like me, have single rooms. Each room has a bathroom.

Even though I room by myself, I would like to repeat that I have been living among a gang of strangers. Thus, I have had to learn to engage with other people from the time I awake till the time I go to bed.

And it has been a lot.

Twelve people wandering around means there is always conversation, and there is always commotion. There is always a “problem” to solve, and—it doesn’t matter if you are sitting in deep thought, staring at the mountains, contemplating why in the who hay hell you agreed to live in a hostel—people just walk up and talk about whatever is ailing them at the moment. That’s something I’m just not used to.

WATER outages

The first week we arrived, our hostel manager told us that the country was building a new water system, so the water would be out once a week. The times were from eight in the morning until sometime in the evening. While it was mildly annoying to have to purchase bottles of water to drink, to not be able to wash dishes or cook, or to leave the toilet unflushed, life was still doable. I mean, it was one day, right? I woke up in time to shower, and due to the humidity, had time to shower again before I slept.

I gave myself a little silent pat on the back for “thugging it out” for half a day, sans water. “I’m nothing like those other wussy people from North America,” I told myself.

Well, week two, I learned that sometimes, Costa Ricans predict one thing, then something else happens, like when the water went out for not one, not two, but three days! One of those surprise days, I’d decided to take a half-a-mile walk to do a little evening vinyasa. I fully expected the water to be on when I returned. Surprise! We didn’t have water until 10:30 PM. I was a sticky hot mess. And I was, indeed, a wussy North American, begging the water gods to end my suffering.

DO NOT FLUSH toilet tissue

My husband and I learned about this rule when we were in Monteverde a few years ago. But I thought it was only for that specific region of Costa Rica. Apparently, it is a country-wide thing: No matter if you do #1 or #2, you cannot flush the toilet tissue. You must throw it away in the little trash can next to the toilet. The country’s system cannot handle flushed toilet tissue, and you will flood someone’s house or business if you do so.

Do you know how long it took me to get used to this rule? I’ll spare you the timeline. But I will say, I spent a lot of time reaching into the toilet and pulling out soggy tissue because I kept forgetting.

MISCELLANEOUS

  • I’ve cooked twice and shared food with my coresidents, but I suspect I’m the only person who consistently plans meals. One day, I’d like to simply show up for a dinner someone else has prepared or paid for.
  • We not only live together, but we take our eight-hour-a-day TESOL course together as well. On average, I spend about 12 hours with my coresidents.

Postscript: I wrote this from the Marriott. The water outage at the end of the second week sent me over the edge. I took an Uber to Escazú, a city they call “Little America.” Wonder why? There’s a Hooters outside of my window, as well as an Outback Steakhouse. No worries. I just took a little reprieve. By the time you read this, I’ll be back to entertaining never-ending conversations, throwing soiled toilet tissues in the trash, and crossing my fingers that the water doesn’t shut off mid-stream.

(Virtual) Writer’s Workshop: Character Driven

~ kegarland ~ 9 Comments

On Saturday, February 21st from 1:00-3:00 PM (EST), I will be teaching a 3-hour workshop centered on character-driven narrative. Character-driven narrative is exactly what it sounds like—it’s where the characters drive the story. My memoir, In Search of a Salve is an example of this type of storytelling. Although there is a clear plot, each chapter is devoted to one character, who they are, what their motives seemed to have been, as well as how I perceived the influence the person had in my life. Subsequently, how I described each character shaped the memoir.

For those of you who haven’t read Salve, you can get a sense of what I mean by character-driven narrative or understand how I developed my grandmother’s character over several years, through varied published pieces through my craft essay, Writing My Grandmother into Being: The Art of Honest Characterization.

If you’re interested in learning from me through a virtual platform, then please register here: Character Driven: Master 5 Strategies to Develop Your Character-Driven Narrative.

Let’s say none of this appeals to you…then please consider passing on this information and opportunity to a writer, whom you think would benefit.

Monday Notes: I’m Leaving the Country for a Bit ✌🏽

~ kegarland ~ 99 Comments

Happy New Year!

I’ve made a huge decision. I’m leaving the country for a year.

WHY?

I’m leaving for the same reason I quit my job as an associate professor (as of December 31, 2025). I’m tired. I need a break from all types of shenanigans.

Don’t worry. I’m not delusional. As I write this, 47 has claimed victory in kidnapping the leader of Venezuela, and safety is an illusion.

I also know there is plenty of foolishness in other countries, so I’m not expecting to enter utopia or anything. I’m not leaving to escape. However, I am exhausted by the number of things I’ve seen and heard, not only this past year, but throughout my lifetime. So, I’m going to immerse myself in another culture and see what other people have going on in their corners of the world.

Plus, we are not trees; many of us have the ability to make different decisions for our lives whenever we want. All we have to do is make a decision.

HOW?

A few months prior to 47’s inauguration, I subscribed to Expatsi, an organization that outlines ways citizens can become expats. Because of my extensive education, expertise, and background in the field of education, I chose the teaching English as a foreign language (EFL) route. Consequently, I spent the majority of 2025 in conversation with Xplore, a company that provides step-by-step instructions for how to teach abroad. Trust me. This part has been helpful because knowing the ins and outs of leaving one’s country can be overwhelming. It is not as easy as just saying, “I want to leave.” Whether it’s understanding the financial requirements or paperwork, having a company to guide me has been helpful.

WHERE?

I chose Costa Rica. For those of you who’ve followed me for years, you may remember the time my husband and I lived in CR for four weeks. I enjoyed San José and the surrounding areas, and I’m proficient enough in Spanish to hold light conversation, read words, and get around. I say this with confidence because I did it when we were there. So, I figured this country would be ideal.

WHAT?

A lot of people have asked the following:

  • What is your husband going to do? Is he going with you? No. for now, he will remain in the States. But he will visit, and I plan to return to North America for different reasons throughout the year.
  • What do your children think? I don’t know. I haven’t asked them. Our daughters are 26 and 24, and they have their own lives. They plan to visit me, and I, them. I suspect, like many (adult) children who’ve spent time observing their parents, they know me by now, and understandably, are not surprised by the choices I make.
  • What will you do to make a living? I have accepted a position as an English teacher in Tamarindo. Although I won’t be making nearly as much money as I have been accustomed to, I know I will be fine, because life always works out for me…no matter what 😉

WHEN?

Now! The day this essay publishes is the same day I will begin living in a hostel for four weeks, as well as starting a three-week class, where I will learn how to teach English as a foreign language. Afterwards, I will move to Tamarindo.

I’ll document some moments on Substack. I’ll process other parts here. I think I’ve covered all the major details. If not, please feel free to ask anything in the comments.

Writer’s Workshop: Improve FLOW by Removing 3 Words

~ kegarland ~ 123 Comments

I love writing that flows. When I read a book, I like to feel as if I’m riding a wave or listening to a smooth melody where the notes come together in concert to create beautiful harmony. When writing flows, you don’t want to abandon it. In fact, you may re-read sentences just to appreciate the beauty.

How do writers combine words to create flow? One way is to follow a specific rule. Now, I know in the last Writer’s Workshop I told you to dismiss rules, but I should’ve added the word sometimes.

So, here’s the advice: Remove these three words as much as possible: that, adverbs ending in -ly, and the.

THAT is considered a filler word, meaning it just adds space on the page. As much as possible go through your writing and try to delete “that.” It will make your writing and message much cleaner. Here’s an example:

She had made Daddy promise that he would come straight home.

*She had made Daddy promise he would come straight home.

Do you see what I mean? The word “that” doesn’t add more meaning to this sentence. It just increases your word count. This isn’t to say you never need “that” in writing. Sometimes there’s no way around it. But if you can do without “that,” remove it.

ADVERBS ending in -ly can also be cumbersome. The rule here is to replace -ly words (i.e., quickly, smoothly, etc.) with actual descriptions of what you’re talking about. Here’s an example of replacing adverbs.

“Well, I guess I’ll sit out here and keep you company. You sure look pretty.” He smiled sheepishly and nodded approvingly.

*“Well, I guess I’ll sit out here and keep you company. You sure look pretty.” He smiled and nodded at approval of my dress.

Sheepishly and approvingly drag the sentence along. Here you have two choices: remove the adverb altogether or remove the -ly and add descriptions instead as this author did.

THE is a little trickier, which is why I’ve left it for the end. Although it is natural to use “the” when speaking, a lot of times this small word can bog down your writing. “The” is not always necessary. Don’t believe me? Go check out your favorite piece of writing. I bet “the” is used sparingly. Here’s an example of what I mean:

            We cut out the clothing we thought would look good on me.

            **We cut out clothing we thought would look good on me.

Here, “the” isn’t needed. If you can understand the sentence without using “the,” then ditch it.

I hope these three tips help to improve your writing, but I suggest trying one rule out at a time and only after you’ve written a draft. Editing and writing at the same time can oftentimes destroy your flow.

*The first two examples come from Mbinguni’s Looking for Hope, which I also recommend reading.

**The third example is from Sister Souljah’s A Deeper Love Inside.

Both were written perfectly in their books. I added the fake, bold first draft example.

If you’re interested in hearing more about my personal writing process and flow, then my talk with the Pasadena City College English Department may interest you: PCC Visiting Writer K. E. Garland.

Monday Notes: The Last 4 Things I Learned in 2025

~ kegarland ~ 49 Comments

#9: Some people don’t have foresight, and they proved it during the 2024 US election.

No one had to be Nostradamus to predict what was gonna happen when 47 re-entered. In fact, it was laid out for us in a 925-paged PDF. Still, some didn’t believe it. Or others knew, but didn’t think it would be so swift, with intermittent pockets of evil. Well, haha. Jokes on them. Or us. No, them. I mean, US.

Okay. Someone’s laughing, and it’s at our expense. One thing, I’ve noticed is that it doesn’t matter how loud you beat a drum and warn others about a storm, people won’t shelter until they feel raindrops on their head. And by then, it’s too late.

#10: We’ve been conditioned to not care.

It’s been pouring, but some think it’s only raining on others. We’ve watched a lot happen to a perceived them through executive orders:

  • Federal grants were frozen, impacting research, scholars, and academic jobs in ways the mainstream public may never fully understand.
  • Student protestors and foreign scholars have been deported, sometimes not to their home of origin.
  • ICE is physically pulling folks out of their cars, whether they are legal citizens or not.
  • Alleged drug dealers/innocent fishermen in the Caribbean Sea have died due to air strikes.
  • People lost their SNAP benefits.
  • Tariffs, no tariffs, some tariffs, no tariffs
  • DOGE

None of this is our problem, right? Wrong.

In the so-called West, we have been taught, for a very long time, to care about ourselves and only ourselves. Individualism, the belief and practice that every person is unique and self-reliant, has harmed us. Phrases like “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” implies you can rise through the ranks on your own. “Just go get a job, if you don’t want to be homeless” makes it seem like you’re lazy if you are unhoused. US citizens have mastered this mindset. However, it’s a little delulu to think we’ve done everything ourselves. Don’t ya think?

Individualism has created a level of selfishness that has normalized apathy.

Because of individualism, there seems to be a “that’s their problem” vibe. I hate to break it to you, if ICE shatters a guy’s car window and pulls him out because they suspect he’s an undocumented immigrant, even though he’s not, well, we’re all in danger. But it seems we must experience a situation for ourselves to truly see that.

And that’s a bit sad.

I hate to be cliché, but Pastor Niemöller tried to warn us about history repeating itself in his poem, First They Came. I’m not saying we must flood the streets in protest, but if we don’t speak out about what is blatantly absurd and morally wrong, one day there will be no one to speak up for you when you are the direct target of something blatantly absurd and morally wrong.

#11: I’m not setting myself on fire to save the world.

We should stand up for one another. But there must be balance.

This year was the first time I found myself actively resisting my upbringing. You see, I was raised in one of the largest democratic cities in the States. I attended a middle/high school named after a civil rights activist and was conditioned to follow his lead. Nearly everyone on my (adopted) mother’s side of the family committed their lives to fighting for a multitude of social justice issues. Thus, I learned to use my gifts and talents to literally improve the world, to prioritize making society better.

However, my ancestors and predecessors could not have conceived of the present times. So, I’ve had to find my own way, a sovereign citizen, if you will.

I’ve decided that, while I will continue to do good in the world, I damn sure am not going to set myself on fire to improve current conditions. I am no martyr. Life has shown me that people will half-heartedly thank you for your service, while leaving you to burn in the proverbial fire. They may not stoke the flames, but they also won’t offer a water hose. Enough of the analogies. I hope you get what I’m saying. There’s a fine line between caring for society and caring for oneself. This year, I learned where my boundary is, and I don’t intend to cross it again.

#12: Everything can be a lesson, if you are conscious and reflective.

“Most people just want to follow the leader,” my husband oftentimes reminds me. “Most people are not thinking about their lives at all, much less as much as you do.”

He’s right.

I think a lot. I analyze situations and people’s actions, not to ruminate, but rather, to be a better version of myself. I have no intention of encountering the same situations or types of people in 2026, because I’ve paid attention to the lessons of not only 2025, but also previous years.

This is not a superpower. You, too, can learn your own life lessons. You, too, can be conscious and reflective. But to do so, you must pay attention to yourself and how you function. Learning what your patterns of behavior are can be an integral step in improving your life. And any small change in yourself, will ripple outward toward your friends, family, and society at-large. But only if you want to.

Thanks as always for entertaining my thoughts. Cheers to the end of 2025. Pop the champagne y’all…we made it, kind of 🥴🙃🫠🤧

Sending light, love, and conscious living to the beginning of not just a new year, but a better one.

Monday Notes: The Next 4 Things I Learned in 2025

~ kegarland ~ 44 Comments

#5: A sovereign personality is possible.

Did you know there is something called a sovereign personality? A sovereign personality can be defined through three ways: (1) philosophy, (2) psychology and self-development, or (3) politics and ethics. Copilot summarized these ideas into one sentence:

A sovereign personality is an individual who lives with full autonomy and self-responsibility, making independent choices based on their own values rather than external control or societal pressure.

Some of you know that I have been living apart from my husband, yet remaining in relationship with him since January 2025. You can read about a lifestyle we chose called, live apart together (LAT) on Substack. This major decision helped me to practice creating a life separate from what society values, and to take responsibility for the decisions I make, while partially considering my husband’s opinion and desires. Consequently, I’ve developed a personal belief system—specifically about marriage and romantic relationships—that makes sense to my partner and me. To be honest, this is one of the first times I’ve felt good about how my husband and I are relating to one another. Standing firm in my decision feels good. I really wish we all could experience a sovereign existence in at least one area of our lives, an area where we can think about who we want to be and what type of life we want to live, as opposed to falling lockstep into pre-set values offered by religion or culture.

#6: No one tells the truth 100% of the time.

I know you’re probably like, “No, duh Kathy!” But I’ve really been thinking about the reality of expecting folks to tell the truth.

What I’ve found is that a small group of people tell lies because they are out of integrity with themselves. Subsequently, these people have little-to-no self-accountability, so they fabricate with ease. I also find that a large group of people lie to themselves. These folks aren’t bad, but anyone who will lie to themselves will most definitely lie to you and anyone else. I mean, how can you tell the truth to others if you’re not willing to face the truth about yourself?

Then, there are other types of lies that we accept as natural, human behavior, such as white lies or omission. Well, it seems people who tell white lies do so for the reasons above.

I’ve had several conversations where it is apparent that white liars think their behavior is okay. For example, what does it matter if I’m hiding candy bars in my car? As long as my spouse doesn’t find them, and I take Metformin, what’s the harm? Why would I tell my stepson his birth father has been in prison all his life, especially when I’ve been taking care of him as my own? Plus, it’s been so long now that he doesn’t even mention his father, so who cares? Both examples show how lying to oneself can lead to lying to others. Candy-bar person hasn’t accepted they have a problem, and step-parent hasn’t accepted the real reason they want to hide information from their child. Thus, so-called white lies brew and linger, without the liar realizing this can later be a much bigger problem.

I’ve also found that we lie because we think, as Jack Nicholson once said in a movie, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” I’m not here to argue this opinion. I mean, some people really don’t fare well when they know all the things. Trust me. I’m not saying telling the truth 100% of the time to others is easy or necessary, but I do think we should be more truthful, first with ourselves. and then with one another.

#7: If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no.

One way to lie to ourselves is saying “yes” when we wanna say, “no.” I learned this from Anna Linde, a certified sexologist. As soon as she said it, a proverbial lightbulb appeared over my head. If the answer isn’t yes, then it’s no, right? Although she was referring to this concept in terms of sex and romantic partnerships, she said that we can and should think about its function in our everyday lives.

For example, have you ever been at a restaurant, placed an order, then changed your mind? Well, Linde says this is the perfect opportunity to practice saying, “no”—don’t worry about if you’re going to piss off the waitstaff, the chef, or the people you’re dining with. Just ask for a different order. What’s the worst that can happen? Even if people will be mad at you, that’s perfectly okay, right?

I think this idea goes into the intuition basket. We talk ourselves into things we don’t want to do all the time! Now, I don’t wanna encourage you to be derelict in your duties and commitments. But there are activities that we do, which can take up unnecessary space in our days. There are activities that you have control over, activities you can decide to do or not do.

Linde says that learning how to say, “no” in regular degular, low-stakes situations will help us when stakes are higher, like during sex acts we really don’t like, for example. But I want to reiterate that practicing saying, “no,” even if it has nothing to do with intimacy or romance, will probably create a healthier shift in your life.

#8: Don’t chase people or experiences.

I’ll make this one short. Nearly everything I’ve done this year is because someone reached out to me or because I recognized my own value and sought collaborations that felt “right.” Similarly, I’ve learned that people are always watching me, and if I do what brings me joy and live in sovereignty or live in integrity as much as possible, then I will always be in right alignment with where I’m supposed to be.

Alrighty, it’s the final countdowwwnnn, in my Europe voice. Next week, I’ll share the last 4 things I learned this year. Warning: Ima get a little political, but not too much cause I don’t wanna be on nobody’s “naughty” list 😉